I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
