I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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