I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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