I just threw up on my dentist
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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