We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
