I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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