Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
