I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
