and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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