No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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