don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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