My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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