I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
