And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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