he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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