The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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