Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
