He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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