did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
