i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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