i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
