Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
