Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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