Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
