You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
