They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
