im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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