There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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