I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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