I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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