So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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