my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
