i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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