Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
