I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
