I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you had me at cake vodka
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
