That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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