He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
