New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
