why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this hospital has no fireball
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
