You're my little dorito
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sext me about skeletons
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
