My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my liver is dry heaving
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