Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
