I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
