I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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