she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.