He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
