My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize
