that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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