What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I think my fart just growled at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
