we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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