Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
