I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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