Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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