I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
