From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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