As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
