Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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