he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
