You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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