The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
