Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
